IF you are following this page on Facebook then you know the reason why I was not blogging for the last few months. I wish like all other times I could say that things would be fine soon but no not this time. The reason, the impact, the loss is huge this time. It breaks my heart even to write this but the scariest nightmare of my life has suddenly come true and I lost my Maa...losing someone is always difficult but losing someone whom you are most attached to, who is your support, your best friend and also someone whom you want to protect with all your might is like losing a part of your body...every time you act to be alive it aches.
It,s been more than 3 months now and am still in denial, I still cannot fathom the fact that I won't talk to her ever. time doesnot make it easier to accept and I am not sure if it ever will or if I would ever be ready to accept. her memories are so fresh, she feels so real yet I can't reach out to her, see her and that makes me numb...nothing comes easily to me these days and the whole wide world has lost almost all its charm at the moment. Am carrying on for the sake of my kids and to keep her dream alive. I know this would have made her sad so am trying my best to come in terms with everything around me.
My Maa, She had a beautiful soul, full of kindness, empathy and love for everyone. She was fierce in her endeavours, built up a business almost from a negligible amount to start with which now employs almost 200 artisans today. Her hard work and sheer passion has made her hugely popular among her workers. We could not believe in how many ways she is remembered today, random people are coming up to us and telling us stories how she has touched their lives. I have always considered myself lucky to be her daughter but now I know every-time I will talk about her my chest will swell up with pride and still I will know there are much more to her that we could never do justice.
They say time heals everything but With time I am realising I do not want to get healed. It breaks my heart everytime I think of the world without her, it breaks my heart to realise we would not be able to explore life together the way we wanted, it breaks my heart to see my kids growing up without her, it breaks my heart even to think us siblings getting together in Santiniketan without her being around, it even breaks my heart everytime I enter that house. My heart breaks for everything, again and again and again...I miss her every moment. I will keep missing her so long as I live.
Life would never be the same...
and I just wish I could go back in time and change that.