Maa

6:36 AM

IF you are following this page on Facebook then you know the reason why I was not blogging for the last few months. I wish like all other times I could say that things would be fine soon but no not this time. The reason, the impact, the loss is huge this time. It breaks my heart even to write this but the scariest nightmare of my life has suddenly come true and I lost my Maa...losing someone is always difficult but losing someone whom you are most attached to, who is your support, your best friend and also someone whom you want to protect with all your might is like losing a part of your body...every time you act to be alive it aches. 

It,s been more than 3 months now and am still in denial, I still cannot fathom the fact that I won't talk to her ever. time doesnot make it easier to accept and I am not sure if it ever will or if I would ever be ready to accept. her memories are so fresh, she feels so real yet I can't reach out to her, see her and that makes me numb...nothing comes easily to me these days and the whole wide world has lost almost all its charm at the moment. Am carrying on for the sake of my kids and to keep her dream alive. I know this would have made her sad so am trying my best to come in terms with everything around me. 

My Maa, She had a beautiful soul, full of kindness, empathy and love for everyone. She was fierce in her endeavours, built up a business almost from a negligible amount to start with which now employs almost 200 artisans today. Her hard work and sheer passion has made her hugely popular among her workers. We could not believe in how many ways she is remembered today, random people are coming up to us and telling us stories how she has touched their lives. I have always considered myself lucky to be her daughter but now I know every-time I will talk about her my chest will swell up with pride and still I will know there are much more to her that we could never do justice.

They say time heals everything but With time I am realising I do not want to get healed. It breaks my heart everytime I think of the world without her, it breaks my heart to realise we would not be able to explore life together the way we wanted, it breaks my heart to see my kids growing up without her, it breaks my heart even to think us siblings getting together in Santiniketan without her being around, it even breaks my heart everytime I enter that house. My heart breaks for everything, again and again and again...I miss her every moment. I will keep missing her so long as I live.

Life would never be the same...
and I just wish I could go back in time and change that.

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8 comments

  1. Dear Sayantani, please accept my heartfelt condolences. There are so many things I want to say to console you, but the reality is that no matter what anyone says or does, and no matter how much time goes by the pain will never go away. Over time it will remain a dull ache in the heart because a loved one can never be replaced and will always be missed. We can only pick ourselves up and carry on for the sake of the people around us, the people who love us. On 26th July it was my father's sixth death anniversary and not a single day has gone by, when I have not missed him. We used to talk on the phone everyday and even today I want to talk to him...one last time! So it is for the sake of our dear guardian angels we must live our best life, honouring them in the best way we can. Take care.
    Love and Hugs.

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  2. Sayantani, It's a very sad news. Please accept my condolences.

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  3. Sayantani, Its always difficult to imagine a life without a parent. I lost my father 9 years back and not even a day has gone when I do not miss him. But with passage of time I have felt that one who goes is not with us physically but they are with us otherwise. Every step we take they will guide us. I still fight with baba if i have any problem. Take care. You have made your mother proud and will continue to do the same.

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  4. Have no words to say... take care...

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  5. I've literally stumbled upon your blog as I was looking for new recipes, have seen your most recent post and I felt that I wanted to send you a few words. I've also lost my mum and absolutely understand your loss and feeling of disbelief. Although it has been a few years now for me I've never really been able to reconcile the loss completely, I have though got to a point where I am able to battle on while remembering the good times. Afterall, mum's only but want their children to smile and to live life to the fullest. You too will get to that point, your mum sounds like she was an extraordinary woman and she must have been very proud of you. Stay strong and lots of best wishes.

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  6. Sorry about your loss. May Almighty grant you endurance to withstand pain.

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  7. Sorry about your loss. May Almighty grant you endurance to withstand pain.

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  8. Didi,

    "Missing mom's cooked food in Bangalore" was what brought me to your blog. Because your general approach for the Bengali cuisine has strange resemblance with my Mom's.Hence, I myself feel so so sad to know about your condition. I don't even have words for condolences.
    May God give you all the strength to withdtand the pain.

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